Jealousy is an ugly emotion.  I remember when I took Japanese Noh, they have these masks and ‘the jealous woman’ was the ugliest and scariest of them all.  I’m not sure how to get past these feelings of inadequacy.  So I guess I put other people on a pedestal for their ability to do what I want in life.  The common phrase in my brain screams ‘it’s not fair.’  But no it totally is fair.  I just need to come to grips with the fact that I don’t have what they have.  Or I shouldn’t even look.  But I’ve put myself in the dumbest most self destructive position possible.  I have signed on to write an article about those I envy the most.  Why am I so evil to myself?  I didn’t mean for it to come out this way.  I was just looking for an opportunity to write about something other than myself so I signed on to write for this music magazine and then suggested some story ideas.  My feeling is I just need to get past the devil inside my head that is saying everyone is so great because they’re doing what I want to do.  But I hope it doesn’t turn into me sitting there just dying of hatred and jealousy with a stupid smile on my face.  Oh gawd.  I’ve been avoiding the one place I love the most all these years because I hate that I’m sitting watching instead of up there doing it.  But now it’s time to put that aside and just be ok with being in the audience instead of onstage.  I wrote in my morning pages this morning that I hate that my dreams are over there in the distance while I’m still right here – nowhere close to them.   But then again, I suppose I am a little closer than I was before.  Or maybe I’m further?  I am working again at Starbucks and when I’m working I don’t mind it – it’s when the shift is over that my inner critic torments me.  Tells me I’ve moved backwards.  Tells me I’m worthless and obviously have zero talent cause if I did I’d be getting paid for the love of my life – which is performing.  I hate that I just can’t accept things the way they are.  I hate that I want things to be different.  I have it really good in other areas of my life, why can’t those things be enough for me?  Why do I want impossible things like being in a musical and recognition for talents that only hide when in front of an audience.  Ok I just gotta breath and keep walking forward.

About Alex Lean

I am just another dreamer trying to wake up
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