Q & A

1) What inspired this piece for you? 

I first thought of this idea back in 2015 and over the years worked on it on and off. Putting it away; worked on it and then putting it away again.  I have been meaning to get back to this project and the festival came along and is meant to provide a deadline and an audience which is what I need to finish to get anything done.  But what re-inspired me to get back to writing it is actually what’s going on in Iran (even though the plot of Witch doesn’t have anything to do with that) but the anger and powerlessness I feel about the oppression of women and I wanted to try and find a constructive way to express that rage.  

2) What brought you to putting this piece in this festival? 

Every so often I apply to these things and this time my application was accepted.  The draw was a deadline and an audience.

3) What has your journey as a playwright, writer, artist been, up to this point? What has your journey with this particular piece been, as a part of your overall journey?

Journey as a playwright – went to university at Brock and studied Theatre.  Didn’t realize I was more of a writer than a performer until halfway through.  When I graduated I got the Playwright Award then went to Humber for TV Writing and Producing – thinking I would try and get into writing for television.  I was also really into imrpov and I mainly did that after school ended.  Didn’t write again until 2012 when I got into Fringe and decided to write a musical Nobody’s Idol.  Was disheartened when that ended because I thought it was my big break and that I blew it.  Then years and years of depression but I still wrote because I need to but tried very hard to give it up already but could not and still can not.  Then, like 2017 or 18 – I decided to make making stuff a habit and self-produced a workshop and a staged reading of some other stuff I had written.  Then 2019 got into Fringe again but my friend Ana had these amazing songs so we came up with a story to put them into a musical (with also some of songs I had written before too).  My journey as an artist is really a journey struggling with depression and anxiety and self doubt and all of that annoying stuff.  All I know is I need to make these things.  There’s this song from a musical and one of the lines is like ‘I’ll leave a few creations to show that I was dancing by’ so that’s kind of my motto.  

Journey with this particular piece.  The thing with me and these stories they live inside my head for a very long time before I put them down on paper.  So I just felt it was about damn time to share it. That’s another conundrum the impetus to share. I sincerely hope that is not all for external validation and that maybe there is some other value that I am not aware of in sharing and putting all this effort into this stuff. But if it is all just for external validation than that’s fine too – my love language is words of affirmation so that would make sense…but if anyone asks my love language is acts of giving me money, lol, just kidding, but also not.

4) What kind of story is this piece, for you? What do you want audiences walking away thinking, feeling, doing, after viewing your piece?

The goal is to write an entertaining story that is also thought provoking.  I guess the main take away could be ‘what is the patriarchy so afraid of?’  I see many genres for this horror, drama but then there is some comedy because of the 1999 characters.   On the other side of things, I do see this entire piece as an elaborate metaphor for depression – in that it can be like exorcising a very angry malevolent spirit who has solid reasons for feeling the way she feels.  But I am also try to make it about feminism stuff like overcoming internalize misogyny – 

The main reason I am doing this is for my sanity. I have really strong inner critic that critcizes me for not creating stuff and then when I do create stuff, it criticizes me for the attempt to put it out there.

The dream is that the audience would walk away being like that was so good and tell someone good so it can be made for realz.  (I plan on applying for grants and shit). 

But on the low expectations side of the equation the goal would be to simply do the creative thing cause it is a project I have been wanting to bring to life for awhile now.

5) Who are you writing this piece for?

I think people who like Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Anne Rice novels will like this.  I also think women or people who identify as such or anyone not really liking the patriarchy.  The other unrealistic dream would be that toxic masculinity types (if they dared to come see a show like this) will changed there minds and somehow not be like that anymore cause magic.

https://www.spacespacerevolution.com/events/witch

Beliefs

I believe I am a spiritual being having a human experience. I believe that my higher self chose to come her to create stuff. I believe this because whenever I refuse to create (write or improvise or paint or any type of art really) I fall into the depths of depression and cannot function properly in the human experience. I believe that people completely identified with their human experience couldn’t possibly understand this because it is too weird.

The Struggle

‘If I am not actively creating something then chances are I am probably actively destroying something — myself, a relationship or my peace of mind” This quote from Elizabeth Gilbert has been so true for me. I still feel so guilty for struggling as I do. I still feel like the nightmare that has been depression aught to be over by now. I should have learned by now to handle my pain better.

I don’t know is all I really know. But I swear I do know things. I know that if I don’t create stuff I fall into a deep dark depression. I also know that if I do create stuff then I am probably going to want to see those worlds come to life on a stage or something. Then I apply for these things and I get in and now I have to do them. Cause this what I wanted but then here comes the anxiety and fear that I am just some kind of delusional. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. What could be so bad about wanting imaginary worlds to come to life – it’s just really embarrassing to want something like that. It’s so vulnerable.

I got an opportunity to present something I’ve been working on for a long time at a festival in Toronto. I guess the goal is just to make the thing and hope for the best. I really do think what I’ve created so far is pretty special. At least it is to me.

The Pit of Despair

FADE IN:

int. pit of despair – montage – music

Beatrice, 22, lays at the bottom of a pit while her life plays out above her. 

The pit of despair looks like a rock cavern with jagged rocks. Sometimes the rocks are solid but they can easily disintegrate.  However there are different levels.  Beatrice is at the very bottom. There would be an echo.  at the very top there is a circular opening – there is light and you can see the outside world.  this is a montage of beatrice’s daily life unfolding at the top.  sometimes she tries to climb out but the rock crumbles and she falls back to the bottom.

Beatrice’s life consists of her boyfriend, grayson, classes and her off-campus apartment and her job at a coffee shop.  The various scenes of her life – play out in the opening of the pit.  sometimes people lean over the pit and talk directly to her and she answers.  we also see beatrice’s reflection in mirrors – which shows what everyone else sees – which is a functioning adult. she does not look like she is living in a pit of despair from the outside. she is an english major at a university in her second year. 

the montage is underscored by music that perfectly encapsulates the feeling of looking alright but not really.

the montage ends with a close up of beatrice’s looking in a bathroom mirror and a single tear falling down her cheek leading into the bottom of the pit.

TRANSITION

int. bedroom – Morning

A couple in bed.  One side of the bed looks ‘normal’ – a bed with a duvet and Grayson laying in bed – asleep. Grayson wakes up naturally with a smile.  he Stretches and yawns and is all around good spirited.  He looks beside him with a bit of concern but he is used to this. The other side of the bed is the ‘pit of despair’.  Beatrice lays at the bottom with her eyes are open – she has been awake all night.  There are tears that have dried and she looks stressed out.  there is an echo when beatrice speaks.  grayson does not see the pit – he just sees beatrice.

grayson

Morning.

beatrice

Is it morning already?

grayson

Yeah, its 7am.

beatrice

You slept well.

grayson

Sure did.  You should try it.

Beatrice is hurt by grayson’s lack of compassion.

beatrice

Ok.

grayson

Are you ok?

beatrice

Not really.

grayson

Are you going to class today?

beatrice

I don’t know how. 

grayson

Can’t you just try to choose to be happy?

beatrice

I’ve tried.  You know this.

grayson

I know I don’t want to upset you more but did you read that book on law of attraction I got you?

beatrice

Been reading it all night and am anxious as fuck now that I know I’m completely doomed to keep law of attracting despair in an endless loop that never, ever ends.

grayson

You didn’t read it right.  You’re supposed to see that you really do choose every experience that comes to you with how you feel.

Beatrice

Oh right.

Suddenly an anvil falls on Grayson’s head (like a cartoon). 1 falls unconscious.  Little bird sound effect to indicate unconscious. 

grayson

What the heck just happened?

beatrice

I’m don’t know. Why did you choose that?

grayson

I didn’t choose that.  Something fell and hit me square on the forehead.

beatrice

Well, you choose every experience so – shouldn’t you be like really thankful that you’re manifestations happen so quickly.

grayson

That’s not what I meant. Ow.

beatrice

Pain is just an illusion.  Just be aware of it.  Witness it. Come into the Power of Now.

Another anvil falls – on grayson’s foot And grayson falls into the pit of despair.  he lands on a level.  beatrice is below him.

grayson

Are you doing this?

beatrice

From down here? 

grayson

Stop. 

beatrice

Stop playing the victim role. 

grayson

Why does this keep happening to me?

beatrice

You really need to start telling a new story. Everything you see and experience is just a reflection of you.

grayson tries to get up loses his balance and falls into the pit with beatrice.

grayson

Ah!

grayson makes a pathetic noise.

beatrice  

Wow you must be off balance in y our life in general to have fallen down here with me.  You also must have some trauma related to heavy objects falling from the sky.  

grayson

I can’t stay down here.  I need to get out.

grayson TRIES TO CLIMB OUT BUT THE rock crumbles and he falls to beatrice’s level of the pit of despair. 

beatrice

That’s just your ego talking.  Ego is the enemy. 

grayson

Oh no this is really awful.

beatrice

Anger and judgements are inferior emotions. There is never anyone to blame but yourself.

grayson

I can’t believe I let this happen again. I was just trying to help you. 

beatrice

Why haven’t you learned to see the world through such a limited lens?  We are after all living in the matrix.

grayson

You can stop. I get it.  I can see now how this book isn’t all that helpful from down here.

beatrice

You were just trying to help.

grayson

You can only be where you are.

beatrice

At least I’m not alone anymore.  We can try to help each other out of here.

the pit opens up a bit – becomes a bit less claustraphobic.

grayson

The only way out is through.

fade out.

the end

---

I wrote the above thinking I would submit it to this contest or whatever. But the contest you couldn’t just upload what you wrote you had answer all these questions that I may or may not ever answer. I’m just starting to let myself write. Inspiration is great and everything. Obviously I would prefer to be a hopeful the for the most part but when you hit bottom – the inner critic makes a convincing argument that the reason you are in the pit of despair is because you dared to feel the good feeling – the hope, the excitement, inspired. Also the above was formatted correctly but copy and pasting into this did not go well so…this is me trying not to apologize for anything.

Random thoughts where I’m at

I’m here because I want to be the most healed person ever.  I am aware this thought is coming from an ego place – ‘the most’ – healing isn’t a competition – but fuck if it was I would want to win at it please.  My intention is to heal all my emotional trauma.  My intention is also to be my authentic self.  My intention is also create beauty.  Figure out a way to create that doesn’t involve the ego.  Or if does involve the ego – it’s somehow in a good way.  I dunno.  I intend to be inspired to make stuff. 

I’m at that point in again where I know I need to create. But am blocked.

See I get glimpses of ideas but then can’t get it on the page.  Like that image was cool and would love to figure out how to put it into words. 

I wrote this.

A tear falls down the face of a 38 year old woman.  The tears they fall down her cheek.   She reaches for her journal and a pen.  The tears fall from her chin to her hand as she sits frozen ready to write something anything if only the words would come to her.  She used to be creative.  Ideas, words, music would pour out of her uninhibited by anything.  But then the world got to her.  She began to listen to the criticism and then she took everything negative everyone ever said about her to heart.  She internalized every negative thing ever.  And now she is a shell of a person and thinks of killing herself every single day.   But how does one un-internatlize that shit?  If only there were some surgeries to remove all the emotional pain.  Maybe death is the only cure for this type of pain.   If this were a story with a happy ending then those tears would mix with the ink and become something beautiful and that beautiful something would touch other souls and help heal those other souls.  But for some reason this story won’t do what the writer wants it to do.  The story is stalled and has no idea where it’s supposed to go and it does not trust it’s creator to get it to the beauty part of the equation.  And so the story struggles.  The story repeats itself -endlessly and never gets to the point.  Cause maybe that isn’t really the point.  The story hurts itself.  The story is a thing.

The negativity that I’ve internalized over my lifetime has become a monster that I call my inner critic. It is trying to kill me. I haven’t let it yet and trust me it’s made its intentions known.

Tomorrow I’m doing a past life regression. Going to see if some of the internalized trauma is from a past life or something. Cause my rational brain thinks there’s no way all this pain could be from this lifetime. I want to heal for those past versions of myself. I want them to be good too. I want to be good.

Poem: Nobody’s Idol, by Alexandra Lean

POETRY FESTIVAL. Submit to site for FREE. Submit for actor performance. Submit poem to be made into film.

I GO FROM NOBODY TO SOMEBODY
TO SOMETHING TO DIE FOR KICK IN THE DOOR,
HERE COMES THE PREDATOR, YOU HEARD ME ROAR,
IT’S THE LION WANTING MORE OF AN ENCORE, ENCORE
SOMEONE’S GOTTA DIE ON THE ROAD TO RICHES
OR DIE TRYIN’ IN AMERICAN STITCHES
IF I SHOULD DIE BEFORE I SELF DESTRUCT
DISORDERLY CONDUCT, WILL ERUPT
DEATH AROUND THE CORNER THE CROWD WILL BE THE MOURNER
I REPORT I’M HYPNOTIZED, DESENSITIZED
CAUSE I TAKE BREATH AFTER BREATH
UNTIL I REALIZE THAT LIFE AFTER DEATH IS LIKE
LATE REGISTRATION FOR ADMIRATION FROM A NATION
OF COLLEGE DROP-OUTS WITH NO DIRECTION
BUT MY DEBT TO SOCIETY IS PAID IN FULL
IN A GREATEST HITS COLLECTION,
MY COMMON RESURRECTION
LIKE GLORIA GAYNOR IT WILL SURVIVE
BY ALL MEANS NECESSARY WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE
I’M READY TO DIE YEAH I’M GONNA DIE

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Article Writing Samples

This post is for you CBR. The first article I wrote as part of a course I took at George Brown College. The second article I wrote was a review that I wrote under the pseudonym, Rebecca Lillian. I chose to write under a pseudonym in case I hated it and the creators came after me – which is how I felt when people wrote bad things about stuff I did. Are you impressed yet?

Article 1

Candy Crossbones:

Riding a wave of awesome

By Alexandra Lean

Through wind, snow, sleet and rain, Candy Crossbones leads her team – CN Power, to a swift and mighty victory against the Killamazoo Derby Darlins. CN Power is comprised of the twenty toughest players in Toronto Roller Derby (ToRD).  The all-star team.  Ms. Crossbones, a.k.a. Saira Peesker, speeds past the crowd in a mess of hot pink and hot pants. A black star on her helmet ordains her: jammer.  In order to score points Candy must skate through the pack and complete as many laps as possible.  Each stride is made with the power of her tough, competitive focus.  She has her eyes on the prize.   CN Power dominates the game: 197-35.  Candy Crossbones literally skates circles around the other team – 197 times to be exact.

Off the rink, her sharp features soften.  She wears make-up and her blonde hair is straight and layered.  She smiles and seems more approachable and open to conversing with just about anyone.  This is a good thing because everyone wants to talk to her about the win.

“So much of success in rollerderby is working together,” she said. “We’re underdogs trying to make good this year, I think this is our year.” 

Saira is an active part of the rollerderby community and co-captain of another team Chicks Ahoy.  With two team practice schedules, typically meeting three times a week she has the rest of her days to fill with the a busy reporter lifestyle.   She has worked for CTV and CP24 and currently writes for the blog, The Torontoist.   

Saira played a lot of sports growing up.  It seems her journey to roller derby was an inevitable one.  Saira always had a willingness to hurt people and get hurt without taking it too seriously. 

“I tore three ligaments in my knee… I was like, I guess I should go see a doctor,” says Saira.

“Why not (roller derby)?” Saira’s responds with a fire in her belly that screams of her passion for the sport.  “Plus when do girls get to be super aggressive…There is an attitude in certain circles that think girls shouldn’t be like that and I say, ‘fuck those circles’ it’s sort of nice to be in a circle that values that.”

The future looks bright for Saira Peesker, Candy Crossbones and her league of extraordinary roller derby clan.   “I’d love roller derby to be part of the Pan-Am games. Wouldn’t it be amazing?”  But first Candy Crossbones and her team CN Power are looking forward to December when Toronto hosts the Roller Derby World Cup.  When asked about how she feels about being among the best players in the world to complete she replies: “awesome…it’s like riding a wave of awesome”.

Article 2

Coma, an undead family drama

Rebecca Lillian

It’s Halloween weekend.  It is a time for all kinds of undead stories. The play, Coma, is a good choice if you are: a) fed up with the usual ghoulish undead type of stories (ghosts, vampires, zombies, etc.) and b) are looking for something a little less horror and a little more family drama.  Coma is a good drama about serious issues.

I typically don’t do dramas.  Drama’s can be relentlessly boring. However, in this case, the characters and story were endlessly interesting.  The premise: a mother, Nana (Lorraine Klaasen) trapped between life and death. She is unable to communicate with her children. The relationship between siblings Ifueko (Bridget Ogundipe) and Osasu (Wale Ojo) developed nicely and to me it is what brought life to the play. The siblings navigate between right and wrong and family secrets are exposed.

Ifueko, (Bridget Ogundipe) is the daughter who has been taking care of Nana (Lorraine Klaasen) despite how unfairly she has been treated by the Nana, who she calls mother.  Nana’s son, Osasu (Wale Ojo), who has been living in Canada with his new family, fly’s into town for the weekend to pray away his mother’s condition.  When Nana doesn’t wake up because Osasu prayed it to be so he concludes that she wants to die. And so the debates between brother and sister about God, life and death continue until family secrets are exposed.

There are moments that sometimes feel like a dramatized essay on the moral dilemma of the play. It felt slow at times but then again it’s a drama. I was pleased that even though it was serious subject matter there were some comedic moments.   It is set in a hospital room and there is a white curtain that Nana walks behind singing, praying and lamenting. 

There was a lot of singing.  I mean, I get it when you have a cast of talented singers you make ‘em sing even if some of the song feel out of place and disconnected. It’s just one of those glorious theatre moments that make an audience member keenly aware that they are watching a play.

Overall, Coma is a good pick if you like drama.

 

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My winter and spring in stories

The first half of 2021 told in the books, tv shows and movies I consumed.

Books

Good for one of these kinds of books

Felt things.

Funny.

Interesting but stuf I pretty much knew but needed to check.

Think I like this one better than first.

Amuzing tone

I like this one gotta get to the rest of the series

Interesting stuff that I did not know about origins of cats and stuff.

Interesting. I’ve never read a book by a president. Feel smart for reading it all the way through.

Sad

Ok. Didn’t know tv show was onits way. Only read it cause liked Delirium.

Nice.

Sad.

Funny.

I liked it but not sure I’m smart enough to get it.

I really loved this book. Very funny and clever.

I enjoyed this book. It was sweet. It felt like a play.

Great.

Surprising that I liked it.

I loved this series and can’t wait to see it when they make a tv series of it. Just want to see how the characters look in comparison to how I imagine them looking.

Sad.

Exciting.

I hated the prince charming of it all. Spoiler alert but as soon as he knew he had feelings for someone else he should’ve broken up with his girlfriend. Anna deserved better. But they are teenagers so I guess they can be forgiven.

TV Series

Adored this show. I was so mad when it ended – like unreasonably upset when it was over.

Captivating.

Love.

I can relate to intrusive thoughts. Gave good understanding of what its like. Its nice to see someone else go through something similar makes me feel less bad about the whole thing.

Cute.

Couldn’t make it to the end – yet. Made it to 9th season and there was still like 11 more. I’m on a break from it.

He’s hot.

Messed up.

Love her.

Phew now I don’t have to read the books.

The meercats are funny in the ‘how they made episode’ using camera people as trees for shade from sunlight.

Good. I like the shows produced by Jessica Biel and company – always a twist.

Uplifting. Sad it’s not getting another season.

Cute.

Nice ending for characters I love. Can’t wait to see what’s next for creator of show.

Love how quirky the series is

Cute

Yes!

Fun. Love comedies with aliens.

Cute.

Hope we get more series about historical women in history.

Sad.

Fucked up.

Of course it was funny and clever and cute.

Love.

TV Mini-Series

So good. Deserves re-watch.

Like time travel that doesn’t feel so science fiction-y

Wow

Eye opening.

Feel for her. Hope the saying ‘this too shall pass’ applies to her unfortunate situation.

Movies

Loved this film.

Really violent in a gory kinda way but fun.

Sad

I miss theatre

Watched on Valentines Day – so funny

Forgot how strange this movie was. I remember really loving this movie as a kid.

The main characters are so awful – despicable.

Love the time loop thing

I loved this

Young Bea Arthur was a shock

Love this movie

Rewatched whole series of films including Infinity War and Endgame (although no pictured). Imagine I’ll be doing this every so often. Skipped Guardians 2 and Antman and Wasp – might go back

ok was interested in idea of talking cat – not what I thought

It’s been a year…

It’s been a year since the world shut down and I haven’t done much of anything. I haven’t written much and so I am attempting to get back in the habit by blogging about all the media I’ve consumed (at the behest of my mother). I doubt I’ll have to say anything new or original or different then anyone else who have seen the things I’ve seen but whatever. This will probably be filled with grammatical errors just because. K I did that last one on purpose – think my spelling should ok unless its one of those words like dual/duel. effect/affect – get those mixed up due to the touch of the dyslexia.

Where do I begin? Oh hey it’s St. Patty’s Day. Random obvious statements may happen on occasion.

TV

There is a website I frequent called episode ninja and it has lists of the best and worst episodes which is how I’ve been able to dabble in various shows that I may not have given much attention to before. For example I’ve watched a couple episodes of the 2005 series Medium. I should mention that my favorite genre is fantasy – or anything with even a touch of a supernatual element – I’m in. Medium is one of those shows that I wanted to watch but never had time for in the past. I have to say out of all the series I’ve seen this one is pretty grounded and not as ham-handed as a show like Ghost Whisperer. Isn’t so dumb that it’s 2021 and I’m talking about shows from the early 2000s.

I have committed to watching the whole Supernatural series and am currently on season 9. I’ve noticed the ‘high concept’ shows are listed as ‘worst’ episodes. By ‘high concept’ I mean like when Dean went back in time to the 40s or that Ghostfacers episode. They also usually put the ones with a more comedic tone under ‘worst’. I tend to like those episodes best. Anything with monsters and that makes me laugh is good. My favorite character is Castiel. He was so funny when he first showed up and was trying be all human. This character is an angel. I do tend to get Sam and Dean mixed up because I was a big Gilmore Girls fan and so Sam used to be a Dean but not the Dean I’m talking about in Supernatural. I do think Dean and his casual sexism can be cringeworthy whilst watching from a 2021 perspective. Maybe as the seasons progress the character will change with the times – become less demeaning towards woman.

MOVIES

I recently watched the movie Brightburn. It’s an origin story of a supervillain. It was good and I wondered if there was going to be more for this world. I suppose if this were a real, in-depth type of blog (as opposed to something to get me to start writing again) I’d actually do some research. I googled the writers and saw that they have a new series upcoming called Jupiter’s Legacy which seems to be about super-powered children so perhaps it’ll be connected to the movie. I’m so used to the Marvel cinematic universe that I sort of expect that from superhero stuff these days.

I guess that’s all she’ll write for today. Until next time.

63 Books I’ve Read so far

Just in case you were wondering what books I’ve been reading in 2020. Organized more or less in order from the first book to the latest book.

How do I read:

https://toronto.overdrive.com/

https://www.audible.ca/