I watch a lot of inspirational videos on youtube.  I like Marie Forleo.  She has questions at the end of each video that you can respond to.  The question for this one is:

“How do you overcome the fear of being judged by others? What do you do to manage the fear and anxiety that comes along with going against the grain? Tell me your best tip. In my experience, the fear of being judged harshly by others can be creatively and spiritually debilitating, but only if you let it.”

Here was my answer or ramblings:

I totally feel like nobody gets me. But I guess I can see myself from their point of view and can see why they might be confused. Even trying to explain who I am and what I do here I’m afraid cause it’s not impressive. I’m very ordinary which is tough for me to admit cause I always wanted to be extraordinary. But am trying to come to terms with my mediocre ordinary life which I am grateful for…I just like to dream. Who I am, I guess, is a dreamer since what I do for money is no way connected to what I would’ve liked to be doing.  But the not making money thing hasn’t stopped me. I write stories and songs. I sing the songs at open mics (recently).   I really do love musicals – writing them. I even wrote a whole full length one once and it was in a festival. I so hoped that that one experience would’ve filled my cup and then I would abandon my musical pursuits but alas here I am lamenting on some message board. But I write. I have lots of songs. Are they any good? I don’t know.  I think people get confused because I love writing fiction. And each story is vastly different from the next. I have one that’s a dark fantasy (that’s not actually a musical just a straight up play/novel-to-be) and another that’s an upbeat after school special type and then another that’s more wacky.   I have been told that maybe I am afraid of success – maybe that’s true. I guess I have defined success as (not necessarily money) but something big that everybody can see and point at and say ‘oh boy success!’ Which I guess is just my ego talking. When I’m not dreaming I’m working an ordinary job, paying my bills and hanging out with my boyfriend and friends. I love my friends – they are literally the best people in the whole world. They get me – more or less. And when they ask me ‘how’s work?’ and I talk about my day job – they then go on to ask ‘how’s your real job’. I feel like that’s real love people. Accepting you as you are and still holding a place for who you are striving to be. What was the question again? Oh yeah other people judging me. It’s more me judging me for where I think should be by now.

About Alex Lean

I am just another dreamer trying to wake up
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2 Responses to

  1. Marcelle Lean says:

    I really don’t think you are a nobody as you describe yourself and I am not talking as your mother. how many people do you know can write a song, a musical, a story or a future novel?… I don’t know too many people and I can say I may know one person… So your talent, your dream that you translate into little works of art are not ordinary traits, far from it!!!
    You want to be extraordinary: this is so noble because you are striving towards an ideal in creative writing and in many other things like your job which can be challenging. How many people can articulate and strive for an ideal with quality ? Not too many people… And I can go on and on just to let you know that the most demanding person looking at you is YOU and the harshest person to judge you is YOU… I get you because I was like that, now at my old age I am starting to let it go a bit. Be wise, love yourself as you are because YOU ARE AN EXTRAORDINARY PERSON WITH GREAT COURAGE!!!

  2. Alex Lean says:

    Thank you Mommy. It means a lot. I appreciate you.

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