Failure. That’s a word that daunts me every day of my life. It’s the word that keeps me from accomplishing anything. The ‘S’ word: success. I look at my life and I don’t see the A+’s I only see the red ‘F’. I can only see clear as day all the ways I have let myself down and disappointed myself. I only remember that time I studied for a math test and still failed. I remember all the auditions I prepared for and still didn’t get the part. Samuel Beckett has a quote that goes: “Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” I guess that’s the story of my life. I’ll never succeed at the things I really like doing. I’ll just have to lower my expectations. Congratulations, I succeeded in getting out of bed this morning, feeding and clothing myself. I wish they gave out awards for those things. “And the Oscar goes to…”
My therapist tells me that I am afraid of success. Well, ain’t that just a convenient explanation. She says that all my years of conditioning have created these unconscious habits that sabotage all my attempts at succeeding. Great, that makes me feel like just standing still and doing nothing because it means that all my supposed steps forward will do nothing but lead me backwards. So confusing.
In other news – I actually practiced my songs today. I’m going to practice every day. Here I go trying yet again. I really want to be good at singing. I think I am sometimes. I want the fun part of me to come out and play more.