Every Open Door

“Stand in the fear and have the courage to move forward,” Val said to me today during our weekly singing lesson.  I had asked her why I hold back on the “money notes” she says I can sing.  The notes that I can sing when we’re doing scales.  Yet when we turn to a song.  The notes I sang perfectly a minute ago are now weak.  I was practicing the song “You Can Always Count On Me” for the third or 4th week in a row.  

This notion struck me in the moment she said and I’ve been dying to write about it all day.  I’ve been reflecting on what I wrote last night about giving up and that money has won again and how I’ll never accomplish anything.  Those are my fears.  And I stand in them on a daily basis.  They repeat in my brain over and over again until I believe them with every fiber of being.  I always read books about people who change their thinking and then they get everything the ever wanted.  So I guess the thinking in my mind that is warped is that money and performing and writing can’t live in the same house.  My “false evidence appearing real” is that it has to be one or the other.  Either I perform and write and live the bohemian lifestyle on a coffee shop paycheck if any or I sell out to some grandiose agency lifestyle and live unhappily ever after but with lots and lots of stuff.

I would really like to challenge these notions.  My new goal is to try to make money performing.  Even if it’s just once a month or something.  I know I’ll have to work up to the goal.  But I really think I can do this if I just work really hard at all the things I’m already working on.  I still really want to be in a musical though so I’m still going to audition for those things.  But in the meantime I’ll do a little show.  I feel like at first it’ll be online and then once I’m comfortable with the material take it to the stage – I’m thinking small backrooms of bars with a stage.  Isn’t that what Bette Midler did at one point – not that I’ll be as divine as her or anything but a girl can try.

Another interesting change occurring in my life.  The improv troupe that I’ve been performing for 2 years or so – Nakatomi Protocol – is being disbanded.  Our last show in Toronto will be on August 16th at Comedy Bar.  Our last show ever will be in New York at the Del Close Marathon.  I think New York is a nice place to have our last show.  I thought I would be more devastated but I’m not.  It feels right.  And since all this change is happening in my life might as well heap on another one.  I want to focus on all this singing stuff.  However I would like to check out the new team I may or may not be placed on.  Because I do love improv very much.  It has been there for me throughout my adult life.  From university to now – so I don’t think I can really say good bye to it.  All of a sudden the people I’m around are interested in musical improv.  It was weird.  I came back from that cruise and everyone was all a flutter about musicals and singing.  At first a part of me wanted to go along and join all these newfound musical teams.  But again the issue is that no one knows I can sing except for my singing teacher at the moment because I keep shying away from those money notes I can apparently sing.  

Many new beginnings during this summer.  Stay tuned for some job details – I’m also on the prowl for hopefully a full time job.  That’s another factor in my life not only do I shy away from the money notes I can sing I also shy away from the money jobs that I am fully capable of – I just worry that I won’t be able to…you know there I go down the rabbit hole that are my fears…

Until next time.

About Alex Lean

I am just another dreamer trying to wake up
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