Ugh, I’ve been having internet troubles. Just when I wanted to be productive too. That is just the worst curse known to man in this day and age (except for all those other things like death, disease and decay – but the internet not working is the next worst thing).
Well let’s start with this past Thursday at my body conditioning class. Nothing really new to report other than the continuous tearful displays. Yes – I still turn into a roving, roaring baby when working out. This time I cried during the warm-up. The people in the class must think I’m insane. I can’t help express how I’m feeling in the exact moment no matter how baby-ish I appear. I mean I feel bad that I can’t just be emotionless like the rest of the world appears to be. This time what brought on the tears was my inability to jump without my knee hurting. The pain isn’t that bad – the thing that makes me cry is that because of that pain I can’t do the move right. Ugh I have such strong reactions to doing things right or wrong. I want to do things right – not wrong. Who wants to be wrong? I most definitely do not. So I try ever so hard to be right. To do things exactly as there supposed to be done. This type of thinking gets me into serious trouble time and time again. Because I just feel like the more I try to do things right the more wrong I do them and the more frustrated and tearful I become. You see if I could only do things right then I would’ve landed that lead role in that musical they did in high school and thus proved all those doubters wrong about my talents and abilities to succeed as an actress and from there my story would’ve unfolded as follows: I would’ve been accepted into one of those pretentious theatre schools been trained properly in dance, singing and acting and gone on to Broadway become a big name star or if not come home to Canada where the fact that I had once been on broadway would’ve been marketed and then spend the rest of my days as this wonderfully talented working performer. But such is life. I didn’t get a staring role in that musical in high school or get into any pretentious theatre schools and so here I am writing about my ability to keep trying yet keep fail, fail, failing. Or continuing to be wrong, wrong, wrong. It’s wrong that I’m working for practically nothing to be associated with a theatre company. I read a lot about how you can be the writer of your own life. But I feel like if that’s the case I’d really like to fire my editor. This life needs more of an arc – a character can’t only fail come on writer – allow her to succeed just a little otherwise the audience will just feel sorry for her and lose interest.
So I’m trying to rewrite the next chapter. I mean the story is pretty much the same as before except she’s older. I guess the next part is about this younger/older girl (not as young as high school but not as old as umm well – let’s just say not as old) who starts auditioning for musicals. Then one day when the time is right she meets this wonderful musical that lights up her life and is just right for her. And they live happily ever after. That’s the A plot. B plot has this girl starting her own show online where she interviews all the talented people she likes. C plot is that she does this revue of all songs she likes at some local bar (by this point she’ll have a slight following – nothing to grandiose). Eventually she’ll write some original songs. The critics will say that the story is too convoluted with all these subplots but who really listens to those critics anyhow.