I had a singing lesson yesterday. The topics of discussion were: focus and that when I approach new material I have a tendency to ‘leave myself behind’. What she means is that I forget all about breathing and the mechanics of how to produce a good sound when learning a new song. We tried to figure out why. It could be because I have this aversion to singing things wrong. I don’t want to sing it wrong. I want to be right. I guess there’s a fear in me if I sing it loud and wrong and someone in another room hears me, it’ll just be so mortifying cause they’ll think that I’m not any good. Why do I care about what some hypothetical, made up person thinks of me? My thought processes are so irrational. But for the singing lessons we’ve decided that from now on I will allow myself to remember all that I learned about producing a sound (like breathing) and at least do it quietly…at first.
We also discussed/processed the notes I received from the fake audition the other night. Put it in perspective. So, yes, I’ve only really be studying singing/musical theatre ‘seriously’ for a year. And for a first year novice I have improved. I just hate that if you’re hearing me for the first time you obviously don’t know or can’t hear how much I’ve improved. But then again, if you’re hearing me sing for the thousandth time you’re able to say: wow that was so much better. And the other thing that was bothering me was hearing that it seemed as though everyone else’s notes were: “just tweak this but you are amazing.” Ugh, why aren’t I amazing? Because I never went to a 4 year program where you sing or perform every single day and get to be amazing but with a couple tweaks here and there. I wish I could just go back and erase all by doubts and insecurities cause then I could’ve maybe sort of gotten some of that training. Now I just feel like it’s kind of too late for me to be as amazing as I want to be. Yet I still move forward. And I suppose since I’m not amazing the one woman show I do will be mediocre…at best. But mediocre is better than awful. So I guess I can be happy about the fact that at the audition on Sunday I was mediocre but not awful.
In other news….
I might be auditioning Sunday for Queen’s Player for this thing called True Rock. We’ll see. Only one song acapella required. Should I do ‘Holding Out for a Hero’. I guess so it’s the best I got. But I don’t think it really shows how funny I am maybe I should go back to Don Juan.? Hmmm.
Nobody’s Idol is going well. The reading is going to happen in June which is exciting and scary to have like a deadline. On Monday, I had promised myself I’d get back to the old diligent disciplined writing schedule of working on it every day….but then I didn’t. I watched 7 and 1/2 hours of television/movies. Why am I so lazy? That procrastinator in me is just like: ‘I’ll get to it later….let’s just relax…you did a lot this week…chill out’. Oh well, maybe I’ll work on it when I get home from work.
I need to go to the Mac store and get that disc with Garageband. But it’s March break so I think I’ll wait til next week cause I don’t want to deal with all those people. So that’s the hold up with the songwriting. There’s something about being in the middle of that crowded store that I just can’t deal with. It can be so overwhelming.
I also said that I was going to be super positive from here on in. We’ll see how long that takes (she says in a negative way). Because I bought one of those ‘positive audio cds’ and was listening to it in the car. I’ve decided that I have to become one those people because I’m so negative that I just need to like detox. Anyway in this cd it was saying that ‘a belief is just a thought that I keep thinking’ and so why I don’t I just think new thoughts. So that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna think new and improved positive thoughts that will eventually become positive beliefs which will in turn attract all that I’ve ever wanted. Who knows…maybe I’ll start to be the blind optimist all the time instead of the deaf cynic.