Write Off

The thing about writing everyday or carving out time in your week to work on a specific project is that sometimes the inspiration or the ideas I had when I was super busy have left the building.  Like the other day…after work I decided to work on the musical I’m writing (Nobody’s Idol).  The “homework” from the last writing workshop was to write a monologue and then a scene about either the characters favorite place or something that happened in the characters childhood.  I had done the exercise for the main character, Chantelle, already and wanted to do this exercise for the other characters – Amber and Francis.  I wrote a decent monologue for Francis but am having difficulties with the scene.  I can picture my ideas vividly but when it comes to turning them into scenes it’s very time consuming and I’m afraid it sometimes doesn’t seem to measure up to image in my mind.  Since nothing was really flowing whilst I worked on that I decided to turn my attention to the lyric writing for my one woman show.  I was trying to work on the title track – theme song, if you will – for ‘The Musical and I’.  I judge my work to soon and nothing gets done.  It’s not good enough.  It doesn’t sound like anything…yadda yadda…and on and on it goes.  There are times when I can go straight to work.  Like writing these blogs are so easy.  I never really pause or try to hard to craft a sentence, the words just flow and everything seems to work.  So what does that mean?  Am I doomed to a lifetime of writing about myself at infinitum for an audience that isn’t reading?  Or at least not paying to read.

Also…

The people who are running the auditions for True Rock are holding this karaoke night.  I debate about whether or not I should go.  Is that weird if i went by myself.  Who would I talk to?  I don’t know anyone there.  I’m not good at going up to random people and like having conversations. Oh well we’ll see.

The other thing…

Ok so I’ve been listening to all those “positive” thinking seminars on youtube and they talk a lot about ‘setting a vibrational tone’.  So I guess the thing is that because I’m so full of doubts about everything in my life and I keep writing about them over and over and over again I suppose nothing will ever change.  Since I’m always keeping those negative/doubtful emotions alive.  Before I kind of looked at this blog as a way to just have it be a witness to the catastrophe that is my dream of wanting to be in musical.  And to be like — “See! Everyone else is insane and here’s how they don’t allow me to do the one thing I really, really want to do because they’re blind and stupid and just don’t like me enough to see how amazingly talented and awesome I am.  Can’t you see how it’s “their” fault that I never got into or didn’t get to play…yadda..yadda…yadda’.  I totally thought it was everyone else’s fault because – clearly I’m doing everything in my puny little power to will this dream into being.  But I suppose I could possibly understand how it kind of sort of might be my fault.  And maybe everyone I’ve ever auditioned for isn’t stupid/mean, dead set upon ruining my new years resolution.  I’m not really entirely sure how to fix this vibrational problem.  I guess don’t point at the problems so much…but then what will I write about?

About Alex Lean

I am just another dreamer trying to wake up
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