Honestly I really think I’m too a.d.d. to really succeed at life.  I guess I just have to learn to accept that.  Cause every time I try to focus on one project all of a sudden I have many other ideas that seem to have nothing to do with the idea that I just proclaimed would be my sole focus.  Maybe, I wasn’t made to stare at one thing until it was done.  I guess its my nature to constantly be distracted by other shiny pretty inspirational things.  And why not go in the direction of inspiration?  Even when it pulls me one way only to pull in the exact opposite direction.  I’ve definitely made excuses out of my a.d.d. and dyslexia for why I probably can’t succeed in the conventional sense.   I’ve tried for too long to overcome these deficiencies and so I guess I just have to embrace them.  It makes me feel like I’m losing out on something.  It makes me feel that the universe really doesn’t like me very much or any one else who has these difficulties.  May we are just meant to sit and watch tv and movies all day and most importantly contribute nothing.  I guess I’ve just grown impatient with myself.  I have such a good imagination which has brought me so much joy over the years but what does that really matter if it can never really be expressed?  If every thought I have is just another mistake waiting to be corrected.  Oh well I guess this is the journey.  Who knows what the supposed destination will be.  I remain as aimless as I’ve ever been.  Enjoying time spent writing and regretting every chance I take to bring those scenes and songs to life.  It continues to be painful to try and fail.  I have a lot of other creative friends who are ok with sending their work out only to be rejected.  I heard one say the other day that she doubts she’ll get it but what’s the harm.  In my brain, I answered the harm is being rejected.  The harm is not being good enough yet again.  I guess I gotta be ok with not being good enough.  I gotta be ok with being a terrible creative person and do it anyway?  That doesn’t sound like fun.  Yeah but when no one is looking coming up with my little stories, songs and scenes is pretty fun.  I guess I gotta just try not to have an ego.  Just create an impenetrable bubble where no one else exists other than me and the people who are supportive of me and my supposed art.  I hope maybe this kind of honesty is helpful to someone else reading this.  I would like to inspire which I guess is hard to do when in the middle of a not so hopeful train of thought.

About Alex Lean

I am just another dreamer trying to wake up
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