‘If I am not actively creating something then chances are I am probably actively destroying something — myself, a relationship or my peace of mind” This quote from Elizabeth Gilbert has been so true for me. I still feel so guilty for struggling as I do. I still feel like the nightmare that has been depression aught to be over by now. I should have learned by now to handle my pain better.
I don’t know is all I really know. But I swear I do know things. I know that if I don’t create stuff I fall into a deep dark depression. I also know that if I do create stuff then I am probably going to want to see those worlds come to life on a stage or something. Then I apply for these things and I get in and now I have to do them. Cause this what I wanted but then here comes the anxiety and fear that I am just some kind of delusional. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. What could be so bad about wanting imaginary worlds to come to life – it’s just really embarrassing to want something like that. It’s so vulnerable.
I got an opportunity to present something I’ve been working on for a long time at a festival in Toronto. I guess the goal is just to make the thing and hope for the best. I really do think what I’ve created so far is pretty special. At least it is to me.