It’s nearing the end of the year 2016 and I’m reflecting and thinking up ways to make 2017 better. Next year I am planning to do a staged reading of Musical and I and Character Assassination on April 1st, 2017. It’ll be an evening called Fool’s Paradise an evening of songs and stories written by Alexandra Lean. Location and other details: to be determined. I am doing this. I hope the universe could be on my side for just this once. If not that’s fine, I’ll figure out myself.
I went to a holiday party and the subject of fame came up in conversation. I found myself saying (out loud) it’s who you are when no one is paying any attention that matters most and I actually meant it, surprisingly. Then someone asked a brutal questions something like if an artists makes something and no one sees it does it still matter. I got caught off guard and my insecurities flooded my psyche and never responded. The answer is yes it does matter because it matters to the artist who created it. Should that artist have the great fortune that the thing they created made its way into the lives of other people than that’s a bonus.
When no one is paying attention I am a writer of stories and songs. When no one is paying attention I let my mind wander to far off places and let myself meet the most fabulously interesting characters. When no one is paying attention I allow myself to believe in these world’s and characters. For a very long time when no one paid attention it filled me with great despair. Why don’t people care? How could I change so that they’ll like me better? Then suddenly this year I didn’t really care so much (I still cared a little) but not as much.
As a writer who wishes for a crumb of attention to be paid, I tend to apply for things and ultimately get rejected. It hurts. It takes me a long time to recover and try again. I always try again just in case “they” suddenly realize how stupid they’ve been to not have paid attention to the national treasure that is even considering letting them be a part of the magic coming forth from within me. I know that was a little much but like I said when no one is paying attention I like to believe that I matter and so therefore my work as a writer of stories and songs matters too.
I live by the gospel of Oprah and she lives by the words of a book called “Seat of the Soul”. In that book it says something about setting intention. My intention I think is to inspire. Then there’s that annoying voice within me that says but if no one is paying attention how will they be inspired. I guess it’s gotta be that I intend to live an inspired life and feel inspired as much of the time as possible and so if someone happens to be paying attention then they will receive the inspiration vicariously through me.