Sabateur

I want to be honest about the way it is.  For the last couple of months, things have been going great.  I have a boyfriend who loves me, a job surrounded by great people working at least in theatre and I finally feel like I have friends.  I have a great family.  I am physically healthy for the most part. I have so much creativity and imagination within me that I am allowing out into the world.  Everything is great.  There is one thing that I keep tripping over my struggles with self-worth.  I feel completely unworthy to be so lucky in life.  It manifests itself as this awful pain in my solar plexus and through my chest.  It feels like a shard of glass sticking out.  It sabotages my attempts at that thing called happiness or contentment.

I hear that self-loathing and low self-esteem is common and I hear that I am not alone and yet I still feel the pain.  And I want to feel it if it’ll help me get past it but the more I notice it the bigger it grows.  I try to get beyond it by nightly affirmations and listening to self-esteem hypnosis and yet that pit of despair remains. I seek guidance from therapy. I take medication to regulate my moods (I worry that this may be blocking me from truly feeling the pain and getting beyond it but I’m not really willing to gamble on not taking the medication).   I am currently reading 2 books one called The Untethered Soul The Journey Beyond Yourself by Michael A. Singer as well as another Brene Brown book Rising Strong.  I hope this will help me stop feeling so bad and thus sabotaging the ordinary good life I am trying lead.  I don’t want to be afraid of the truth because I hear it can set me free.

There’s more to my story of course that I am not ready to share quite yet or maybe ever.   Anyway I keep wanting to get to the bottom of this feeling and set it free.  So its true I poke at it hoping it’ll be like an abscess and all the gross stuff will come pouring out in one fell swoop.  There always seems to be more pain beyond it.  I know that I can’t think my way out of this terrible, horrible, no good feeling but that doesn’t stop me from trying.  My thoughts have a tendency to runaway with me and I let my imagination make up all kinds of stories.  It would be great if I could use those stories for creative purposes and maybe someday I will.  I want to love myself and have courage, self-compassion so that I can connect with others on that deep soulful level.

I want to end this post with a link to a very interesting youtube channel.  It is all about breaking the stigma of mental illness by answering questions honestly about it which one day I wish to be a force for that kind of good.  It has truly opened my eyes and is helping me through.  http://www.katimorton.com/