Audition Monologues

So I’ve got a lot of material that is going nowhere fast.  So I thought I’d start posting some monologues that could be used as audition monologues (I guess).

CHANTELLE original monologue from Nobody’s Idol

The thing I learned the most from being in beauty pageants is that although beauty is natural, pageant beauty is hard-work. The curls take time, make up takes time and these legs sure aren’t going shave themselves. I just don’t want you to think I’m stupid. Even though I know I look like the grand supreme idiot. I’m also not prehistoric. I know that all magazines are photo-shopped. I know this. So, the million dollar question why bother getting plastic surgery? It seemed like a good idea at the time. I’d been in pageants all my life up to that point. I’d seen other girls get work done, too, I wasn’t the only one so, I thought what’s the worst that could happen. Little did I know…. (Points to lips.) Anyways, the thing was that my upper lip was always a little too thin and my mother, my make up artist would always have to draw in the full lip. I know it’s a little detail that in hindsight is so stupid but like, there were a couple of competitions I lost because either the lips got smudged or I like had to choose between the lips or the hair. The hair always won. It was one the things that really got on my nerves. Because, I’d have everything perfect and then the stupid lips. Damn you Angelina Jolie. Anyways, I thought if I got the lip enhancement, it would just be one less thing I had to worry about during a competition. I see myself as an athlete of beauty. They compete for the title of most proficient in sports. I compete for the title of most beautiful. Plus, I know for a fact that sports people do things to enhance there performance – I dated 3 football players and a basketball player. Now, don’t go thinking I’m some slut they were all legitimate relationships. Anyways, I saw this lip enhancement as the athlete’s physio. So then what about all the other work you got done? That’s usually the follow up question. Let me just say in the grand scale of plastic surgeries I’d say lip enhancement is like the marijuana of the surgical arts. Or maybe botox is. But I would say botox and lip enhancement are on par with being the gateway drug into plastic surgery. Or like when you get a tattoo. Are you sick of my comparisons? I just feel like these comparisons are important in illustrating that I am not an idiot. Anyways, just like a tattoo can fade over time, so can the enhancements. I just want you to know I thought every operation through And I could list you about a million different reasons for each and every time I went under the knife. But it was my choice. And now my face looks like a Picasso painting. I literally had it all. Beauty, brains and brilliance. I went and messed it all up. So please, tonight when you’re deciding who to vote for. Choose me. I deserve another chance.

AMBER one of original monologue from Nobody’s Idol

My favorite place is the kitchen.  I can’t get lost.  I know where absolutely everything is.  There are labels for where the spoons go and knives and what have you.  There’s so much order to it.  It makes sense to me.  I like it when things make sense.  Lots of things in this world do not even have the decency to make common sense and yet there stands my kitchen, cabinets and all making all sorts of logic.  I am in control, in the driver seat, at the helm when boiling water.  I turn the heat on and the water heats up and then it boils.  The coffee cup to the left of the dishwasher can’t lie to me.  Those knives sit there waiting for me to get them.  I am an honest person in the kitchen.

RANDOM monologue from a play called Jack in the Box about a early 20 something searching for a job.

JANE

Dear Future Employer,

I am applying for the position of ‘need-a-full-time-job-to-pay-for-my-life’ that I heard about via the job search engine paymeinmoney.com.  

I would be a great addition to your team because I know all about the things you want me to know about.  In fact I know everything there is know about anything – just ask.  Even if I don’t happen to know the things you want me to know I sure will fake it real well.  You won’t even notice if I don’t know how to do those things you want me to know how to do.  But again I know everything just look at my resume and you’ll see that I’ve done just about everything and so I know a lot about just about everything.  I studied at these ‘know-it-all’ universities and colleges so as you can see I know stuff.  

I look forward to meeting with you to discuss this opportunity to get to know each other better.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Miss Know-It-All

This was from my Desperate Housewives spec script that I never finished:

Bree Vande kamp

Tips for throwing a dinner party Bring an eclectic group together. Separate couples, and seat people next to those they don’t know and probably won’t like. If you have friends with severe allergies or dietary restrictions, don’t invite them. Pour wine. Appear witty. If droll rejoinders do not spring from your lips, a good memory may save you. Quotation can act as a serviceable substitute for wit. Poor more wine. Then, bluff it like a film buff. Film buffs lie incessantly. It’s important to throw in a few films you claim to have seen. Learn to love Wikipdia. …

FAME original monologue Fame is the host of reality show Nobody’s Idol he is also a lot like Jim Carrey’s character in the mask – think of the whole God of  Mischief thing banished to earth and so the only thing he could think of doing was host a reality competition show.

Welcome each and every one of you gazillion viewers, to Nobody’s Idol. It’s our grand finale. We’re here. We made it. Well, almost. Tonight we name our winner. Everybody wants to be somebody. Everyone wants to be the one to stand above all the others but there can only be one shining star that rises above us all into the hearts and minds of forever. For those of you who have been living under a rock, Nobody’s Idol is the world famous competition that scours the globe for those types of people. You know the one’s, the broken nobody’s, society’s entrails and we give them the opportunity to leave themselves behind and finally reach ‘Somebody Status’. The nothing’s they were can be a distant memory with our crackpot team of brain-iac celebrity doctors and music moguls. Only with the help of our experts, can these no-names even have a chance at a real life. A life among the beau monde. So, we dress ’em up, teach ’em to hum a pretty little tune and then we fix them. But if we can’t fix ’em in the allotted time, then we send ’em back wherever they came from. This show is about possibilities. That’s right. You the viewers have the power to change our contestants.

Remember if you use these monologues just say it’s from unknown Canadian playwright/musical theatre writer Alexandra Lean.  I’m sure the people behind the desk will simply smile and nodd and then proceed to contact me immediately for the rights. Lots of Love!  Break legs and take names!