ON58

I should be writing right now but I’m so stuck in my fear.  I’m very anxious about what the results of the Fringe Lottery will be. I probably won’t get in which would be a relief because if I were to get in I might have to put this show on and that might be a colossal failure.  But I’m used to being a colossal failure.  Failure is like my comfort zone so to actually win a lottery such as the Fringe would be really disgustingly optimistic.  So its just better if I don’t get in.  This is the thing about doing something like that so I’ve been re-reading “A New Earth” and I’m trying to be all present and stuff.  But that quote keeps floating around in my mind “the need to win drains him of power’.  Yeah I get that.  Because I kind of need a win to balance out all the losing.  I don’t want to be a loser which is too bad cause I am.  I don’t really think that I’m just in the throws of a low right now and can’t be bothered with smiles and happy thoughts cause they would just annoy me and push me down lower.   I wish I could be like my cat…he’s so happy sitting looking out the window and/or sleeping all day on the couch and of course eating.  No I wish I could be an animal psychic, I suppose all I would hear is ‘I’m hungry’ but it would be so cool.  Dare I publish another example of my self-loathing.  Meh, what’s the diff?