Snap out of it!

Although I’m not completely cured of that feeling sorry for myself mentality, I realize this way of thinking is seriously messing up my day to day experience.  So I’ve got to try and put one foot in front of the other and carry on writing and singing and learning write music and improvising.  Even if/when I’m clearly too afraid to write/sing/improvise/write music because I don’t know what I’m doing and that even if I did know what I was doing it’ll still never, ever lead to like a paycheck.  But I just need to forget that money is a thing in this world and pretend that making it doesn’t really matter (even though it totally does) and just do all those above mentioned things.  That sounds so lame.  Or feels so lame to write but it’s just what I’ve got to do.  I just have to pretend that I don’t hate going to work.  I don’t hate it.  The thing that I hate is that I’m not getting paid to do what I love to do.  And if you do what you love to do even when you don’t get paid to do it, doesn’t that mean you’re like a failure?  Doesn’t that mean you’ll never be happy?   And if I am a failure now then does that mean I’ll be a failure forever? I read somewhere that people just live the same things over and over again until they die.  I suppose change is possible.  But maybe in life you can only change oh so much and I’ve changed as much as I could possibly change and the way I am now is the way I will always be now and forever or until I die.  The main thing though is that I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer when I go to work today or any day which is totally who I’ve been these last couple of days.  But can I help that I have my dreams at the tip of brain and all I want to do is talk about them and figure out how to not live the life I’m living right now and live the life I want to be living instead?  Or imagine what it would be like to be someone with other aspirations instead of the ones that I have and how wonderful it would be to want to do/be/have something ‘simple’.  But maybe there are no ‘simple’ ways to live a life and that grass is always greener mentality is just that.