This is where I’m at

So, I’ve made a pit stop in self-pity land because I didn’t/couldn’t reach my Sept. 1st deadline of a first draft without music.  Self-pity land consists of me not writing and thinking about all the ways in which my sucks and will never get any better because I’m nothing but a dreamer who can’t do anything but dream.  This missed opportunity is just another example of how much I suck and how I will forever and always be stuck wearing an apron constantly asking ‘What size was that?’.  I hate self-pity land.  It also consists of the entire world hating me.  Strangers giving me bitch stares.  Coworkers barking orders at me when it feels I’m the only one actually doing any work.  It also consists of me green with envy thinking why can’t I be one of the ones to not work and socialize all the time.  Then I remember I have social skills.  I can’t even blame it on having some sort of disorder or anything I’m just a loser.  No not just a loser the ultimate loser.  I try to remember all those Oprah life lessons but the words seem far away and like they’re talking about someone else.  Someone better at doing stuff.  A person who actually does things they say they’re going to do.  But I’m still moving forward I guess.  I have another music composition lesson next week.  I said I would start working on the music in September and here I am.  I’m better at starting things.  Am I ever going to be finished with this stupid project?  Am I ever going to be finished being so stupid? Whatever.  I guess this is just more ramblings from the middle of nowhere.  Surrounded by nothing.  I don’t want to hate my life and yet here I sit looking at the one thing I haven’t done yet.  The one thing I may never really get to do.  I suppose there are things around to be happy go-lucky about.  I have a nice apartment and a job, an income.  I’m healthier than I was last week (I had a bout of strep throat followed by an allergic reaction to the antibiotics which included hives and vomiting….which may have contributed to the not working on the script and not meeting the deadline).  But if I were really a ‘pro’ I’d have worked through it.  Nothing could stop my creativity if I were truly a pro.  But I think since I complain so much and make frequent stops to self pity land I might always be an amateur.  Talking about the things I’m trying to write but never actually getting to the next part.   I hate being so stupid and pathetic.  But that’s what happens when you’re the ultimate loser trapped in the big loser life I’m living.  I know I should stop being so mean to myself but I’m kind of used to this.  I’m probably never going to change.  Learn and grow from my stupid stupidity.  Whatever.  Who cares?  Maybe one day I won’t be such a useless dreamer.

About Alex Lean

I am just another dreamer trying to wake up
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