Ramblings from the sickly

I haven’t made much progress although I’ve made some.  The steps never seem to get me wherever fast enough.  I forever get bogged down by my fears of inadequacy and incompetence.  The fear of is this really my life?  As I look around and see myself working ever so hard to pay the bills which leaves not as much time to work on what I’ve set out to work on.   I hit a wall this last week with the writing and physically.

I’ve been really sick this past week.  I have strep throat.  Had to call in sick, twice…which is not a decision ever to be made lightly when working in the type of environment cause it just throws off the day and everybody else has to work a lot harder to cover the missing person.   But I physically could not go and work.   I don’t think I’ve ever been this ill before…which is lucky I suppose to have gone this long without any serious illnesses.  Feeling and looking like the walking dead sure gives some perspective.  I hope I never get sick like this or worse ever again.  Or maybe I’m just a big baby.  I have to go back to work tomorrow.  I feel better so I think tomorrow I’ll feel even better than better.

Anyways, in my hazy state between health I just want to clarify to myself the goal.  I want to write.  I specifically want to write these musical.  And it’s not a want really, I need to write them.  I don’t know why.  And I know it’s so ridiculous to really want/need something that seems totally out of reach but here I am wanting and reaching as always.  One day the things I want will be at arms length and maybe I won’t have to try so hard.  I still want to be in a musical though and do that one woman show and go white water rafting and see the whales in the ocean and travel the world and be in love with life….

About Alex Lean

I am just another dreamer trying to wake up
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