I haven’t made much progress although I’ve made some. The steps never seem to get me wherever fast enough. I forever get bogged down by my fears of inadequacy and incompetence. The fear of is this really my life? As I look around and see myself working ever so hard to pay the bills which leaves not as much time to work on what I’ve set out to work on. I hit a wall this last week with the writing and physically.
I’ve been really sick this past week. I have strep throat. Had to call in sick, twice…which is not a decision ever to be made lightly when working in the type of environment cause it just throws off the day and everybody else has to work a lot harder to cover the missing person. But I physically could not go and work. I don’t think I’ve ever been this ill before…which is lucky I suppose to have gone this long without any serious illnesses. Feeling and looking like the walking dead sure gives some perspective. I hope I never get sick like this or worse ever again. Or maybe I’m just a big baby. I have to go back to work tomorrow. I feel better so I think tomorrow I’ll feel even better than better.
Anyways, in my hazy state between health I just want to clarify to myself the goal. I want to write. I specifically want to write these musical. And it’s not a want really, I need to write them. I don’t know why. And I know it’s so ridiculous to really want/need something that seems totally out of reach but here I am wanting and reaching as always. One day the things I want will be at arms length and maybe I won’t have to try so hard. I still want to be in a musical though and do that one woman show and go white water rafting and see the whales in the ocean and travel the world and be in love with life….