Yes/No, Maybe So

Let’s take a look back at those new years resolutions.  I’d like to discuss my progress on items 3 and 10.  Item #3 on my list was ‘to finish Nobody’s Idol’; Item#10 was to ‘believe in myself’.

The measures I have taken to complete the musical are: a) participate in these writing workshops leading to a reading of the first couple scenes b) take composition lessons.  Let’s discuss ‘b’.  I have been taking composition lessons for the last 3 weeks from a guy I found on craigslist who charges $25/hr.  The lessons have been via skype. This was all fine and dandy for the first 2 but then by the 3rd – which was last week – I felt I really needed more of a face to face interaction, as a lot of time seemed to be spent fixing technical glitches and/or repeating stuff for lack of communication.  Tomorrows lesson will be ‘in the studio’ as he has called it.  I’m not sure if I should continue with these lessons or not.  There is a songwriting intensive happening that I am interested in but it is fairly expensive.  Writing songs is a necessary component in finishing Nobody’s Idol and the one woman show which was 2nd on the list.  Or maybe I should just read books about it and learn.  I’ve made attempts in these last 3 weeks to write songs using garageband.  They are ok but due to my lack of know how and experience they kind of suck.  I did want to have music for the reading but that goal has come and gone.

I always knew these goals on my ever growing lists were going to be tough if I couldn’t master item 10.  So this year I decided to get a ‘creative’ coach.  The concept does sound dumb on the surface but if you haven’t noticed by now I’m a bit self-defeating so if I actually want to accomplish stuff then I gotta commit fully.  If that means, making a list of my core values and making lists of things I need to stop doing then so be it.  Today we made a list of things I need to ‘say yes/no’ to.  I’d like to share them.

Things I need to say no to in order to be my creative self:

  1. Too much time at Starbucks
  2. To being a ‘victim’
  3. Yeah but…
  4. pessimism
  5. stories I tell myself about my learning disabilities and a.d.d.
  6. fear of rejection, judgement and confrontation
  7. giving in
  8. only writing when I am inspired (as opposed to the discipline of writing daily)

Things I need to say yes to in order to be my creative self:

  1. Writing more often
  2. Be a part of creating ‘good’ improv (a combination of silly play and depth)
  3. Being enough
  4. My talent; my worthiness; my creativity
  5. intelligence
  6. knowledge and experience
  7. clarity
  8. discipline

I sincerely hope that I can override my natural way of think about myself and the things I want.  I want to believe that all things are possible and be hopeful and dare I say it happy.  So here’s to that.

I really hesitate to post this.  Or to even have this blog.  But I suppose that would be those pesky fears talking cause I suppose letting your ugly truth be told must be worth something.

About Alex Lean

I am just another dreamer trying to wake up
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