Feeling a bit better today about the world and where I stand in it. I’ve been noticing lately that people have been telling me I’m ambitious. I automatically hear the judgement in the observation. I automatically feel terribly guilty for having dreams. I wish I could tell them I have tried many times to ignore and erase my ambitions from my psyche, however, they won’t leave me alone. So, sorry to disappoint you all with my gross knack for thinking big yet maintaining such a small frame of mind. I know, I should try to reach for the positive and not always hear the back hand element in compliments but I can’t seem to help myself. Just habit, I guess. I know it was/is ambitious to think I could write like a good song or songs for this reading of my musical. But I blame those stupid law of attraction books. They state plainly that I can do anything I want in the time alloted. Am I crazy for believing that could be true? That was meant to be rhetorical. Oops I guess that was just my graceless heart, I wish I could write lyrics like that. Oh well.
It’s my habit to think poorly of myself and everything I’ve ever done and/or will do. I am trying to change this pattern but it is very difficult. There are tools I’ve been trying to use. Like saying something positive things right after I’ve said something negative…It feels awkward, forced and probably sounds ridiculous. But I do it anyway, so that I can hopefully one day change for the better. I used to do morning pages but it’s difficult when getting up so early. But I think I’m going to try to do them again. I also go on walks. Not as much as before but they too help.