Impatience

How long is this all supposed to take again?  I feel so antsy.  Like I’ll never get anywhere no matter how much I do or write.  I feel like I never get anywhere.  And because I think this stupid law of attraction says that that’s what I shall get.  I hate law of attraction.  It messes up everything.  Why does it have to be so stupid?  Why can’t it just know what I meant and just give me the thing I wanted from the start?  Why does it have to make everything so difficult?  Every little molehill into a mountain.  It would seem.  I want to change.  I want to be a person who believes in herself and her abilities and talents no matter what the current state of affairs looks like but what about all the stuff I want?  Where is it?  Why am I not in a musical yet?  Why haven’t I finished writing whatever it is I was writing?  Why do I procrastinate and hate on myself all the day long?  Why haven’t I progressed in improv?  Why am I where I am?  Why am I not better than I was before? Why do I hear things wrong all day every day?  I feel like sometimes I was better before and I’ve been on steady decline ever since.  Sometimes it seems thinking positively makes things worse.  Like all the cheeriness are tipping the scales and throwing me right back into the arms of despair where I ultimately will stay forever and always never to return again.  I just want things to happen for me.  I feel like I’m constantly trying to make the things that I want to happen. Like this whole stupid one woman show for example is only because nobody will stupid cast me in their stupid dumbass musical.  I’m doomed to be a loser forever and always.   I can’t break my loser-y low self esteem thoughts.  I’ll never get anywhere.  I guess the powers that be made people like me so that other people, better people could shine.  Like, there are only a set amount of people allowed to be in musicals and I unfortunately am not one of them.  No matter how much I love them and I know it such a stupid thing to get all bent out of shape for but I am.  So what?   I’ll be different tomorrow maybe.

About Alex Lean

I am just another dreamer trying to wake up
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.