I hate making mistakes. I hate messing up lines. Especially lines that I thought I had meticulously memorized. I don’t know what it is but the thought of screwing something up yet again just kills me. Yet I continue – as most humans – to make missteps. I get a grande cup when someone asked for a tall. I stumble over words. I trip over untied shoelaces. I spell things wrong and use commas, inappropriately. I’ve got to get a handle on my over reactions to such insignificant things.
The thing about screwing up lines that makes me crazy is that I’m a writer and so I understand the importance of saying the lines exactly as written because that’s the way they were intended to be said. And as an actress it’s my job to mold myself to fit the lines and not change the lines to fit the actor. I suppose that’s why I kind of stopped writing plays because the thought of some actors actor changing the order of the words and missing the nuances I had thought were plain by the way I had written the line, well…really gets under my skin. Anyways the point of all this is that I messed my monologue in class last night because of nerves – as usual. I hadn’t practiced it in front people before even though by lonesome I had gone over the lines like a million times. But oh well, the actions I had worked in worked out well. But my homework for this week is to practice the monologue in front of people. I have full week of work ahead of me and so be it everyone I work with will know this monologue whether they like it or not. I won’t be embarrassed and feel like my talents are being judged even if they are. I’ll just plough through. I can do this. I also need to work on the tone of my voice. I guess it tends to stay pretty much in the same place all the time so I gotta work on that. Also, my voice is apparently stuck in soft pallet or whatever so I gotta make it come from my teeth or whatever. I really should look up all these expressions and draw a map so that when I say stuff like voice from chest or soft pallet it’s not some abstract concept I’m trying to convey.
Next Sunday is the big audition for these theatre directors. I can’t remember there names and I know I should google them and like do research but I don’t really want to think about it to much. I just want to prepare the best I can and do the monologue and song to the best of my ability and see where the chips lie.