I Don’t Know

I really liked that song.  It really encapsulates all that I feel sometimes…especially the second time around. Especially the lyric that goes: I’m some Christopher Columbus sailing out into my mind with no map of where I’m going or what I’ve left behind.’  It’s so dramatic.  I love it.

Today is the real test of my will to not watch tv.  To not revert to the usual status quo of not living my life.  So I’m listening to soundtracks.  I’m currently listening to ‘Spiderman Turn Off the Dark’.  The soundtracks decent but I get the feeling I’m missing out on whatever visual stimuli goes with it.  With every song I’m pretty much picturing cirque du soliel type movements happening all around and a colorful set.  I’m definitely feeling and hearing U2 in every strum of the guitar or bang of the drum.

I should be doing other things.  This is probably just as bad as watching tv.  I should be writing my play/musical or work out or go for a walk but I don’t feel like it.  I wonder what’s holding me back from really writing the goddamn story that’s been occupying my mind for the last 5 years.  What’s wrong with me?  Why can’t I be more focused and do what it takes to make things happen for me.  I suppose there’s the lingering feeling of ‘why bother?’ ‘what’s the use?’ ‘what’s the rush’.  I need to wrestle those questions to the ground or something in order to get rid of them.  So I can be more productive.

I really want to go and see a play tomorrow night but I don’t think I can afford to.  If I want to do all the things like vocal coaching and get a metropass and have a cellphone.  I’m just going to have to stair at a wall.  I need to go grocery shopping which is going to hurt my bank account so forget it.

About Alex Lean

I am just another dreamer trying to wake up
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