Composed on Feb. 11th
I don’t feel so good today. I’m bumping up against all of my blocks. I’m trying to be a good little student and prepare for the workshop tomorrow but I feel like I’m failing. I’m on this virtual keyboard trying to make sure I’m getting the notes for right for Holding Out For A Hero but am noticing that the notes I have memorized from the track are a little different than the notes on the page which is really messing me up. Oh well if anything at least I learned the note of the ‘doo-doos’ and ‘ahh’s’.
I feel so useless. I met with my therapist yesterday. I started seeing her in 2008 because I thought that I must be suffering from delusions of grandeur because of my deep desire for my acting talents to be seen, heard and recognized. Each and every time I have attempted to show the world my talented self by way of trying out for a play or even pitching one of my magnificent ideas I’ve been rejected. So obviously I must be crazy. If I think I have talent or even the slightest whisper of a voice and the world keeps shouting no at it does it still exist? I’ve learned from therapy that I was right about my talents – they are real – and all the ‘no!’ are the crazy ones. The only thing is nothing has really changed. I still make useless attempts to free my talented spirit but the supposed talent never sees it’s potential. Apparently there’s a voice in my head (not literally) that says – ‘no you can’t’ or ‘you can try but you’ll never do anything with it’. Yesterday we talked about how I’m constantly reaching but I end up with nothing constantly. Always on the losing end. Viscous circle…yadda yadda yadda. Since she’s known me I’ve never finished anything. I’ve started projects but never finished them. Case in point – this being in a musical project and now I’m trying to write a musical/one woman show. All my stupid attempts are futile. I can’t do anything. I’m stuck. It doesn’t matter how many books I read or morning pages I write or silly artist’s dates I go on or walks I neglect to go on because it’s cold…it always ends up the same way. I end up with nothing. It sucks that I suck and am no good at anything. I wish I could change and oh boy do I try. I feel like everyday I try so hard to do the things I love with little to no reward just come up with more things I need to change about myself in order to be a better somebody.
But I see that right there is my problem. I need to stop continuously writing about how awful I am at everything. ‘A belief is only a thought I keep thinking’. So is staring in the mirror and saying ‘I’m a star’ or ‘I’m amazing’ a thousand times really going to change me?