“Nobody likes me” is a thought that keeps buzzing around my brain like an annoying mosquito. But the thing is I don’t actually care so why does the thought bother me so? I keep trying to swat the thought away. Blaming my the mean Darcy for the cruelty. Even if let’s say the entire world was actually against me – I’d still be able to watch tv. I could still disappear into that different reality for whatever length of time. But I suppose is nobody really didn’t like me then all these goals/dreams I have would be useless because everybody knows it’s who you know not what you know. And if who I know is like “I never want to be around that loser again” and what I know is how to sing and play pretend and rewrite the world the way I could see it then where does that leave me. This a riddle I can’t seem to solve. Somehow though all this headache will lead to writing a kick ass screenplay/musical with amazing characters. The problem is I have the characters already written it’s just giving them dialogue and actually putting something on the page. I wish I could have an assistant who would write down all my ideas and flesh them out.
This is the part of my life where I spend thinking about all the stupid things I said and all the ways I am all wrong. For example, yesterday I actually said during that workshop that I’m desperate to connect with people which is why I get up on stage because I want a moment where all eyes are on me and people can hear me – finally. Or what about how when everyone else went up they were asked if they liked them…no such question was asked to the jury when I went up so the most likely conclusion would be: I’m unlike-able.
Anyways it’s just a thought I was thinking. I’ll go away now.
Waking Dreams Up 