Tomorrow our seeds will grow

All we need is dedication.  All I need is dedication.  I worked out again today and have plans to work out again tomorrow.  I feel pretty good about this new healthy thing and am wondering how long it will last.  I mean it’s not as painful or horrible as I made it out to be.  And of course I haven’t stopped all the unhealthy things – like that macdonalds I had yesterday or the pizza the week before or the ferrer roche’s still kicking around.  But a step forward is still a step forward no matter how many times I look back.  Another new development, tonight I am meeting with this ‘playwright circle’ with this theatre company called Steady State Theatre.  I have no idea what to expect.  Well, actually my best guess would be we sit in a circle and talk about our idea and how far – if at all we’ve got.  I am planning to work on this story called Nobody’s Idol…

Nobody’s Idol is about these 3 patients from a mental institution who escape in order to audition for an “American Idol” type show.  It’s a comedy.  In my head, the plot is amazing, the dialogue witty but not too witty and the characters are as real as anything else.  But when I finally sit down to write something – I don’t what it is.  This daunting fear comes over me and all those brilliant ideas I had while gazing out of a TTC window are all seem so stupid and not worth the effort.  Somewhere beyond the insecurity and criticisms every writer knows their idea is worth it.  For me (and maybe others) it’s the fear of communicating it wrong or of nobody recognizing the brilliance that’s right in front of them.  Then the pain and outrage of being misunderstood – for me – is the absolute worst.  Maybe it’s better to live silently enjoying your own brilliance?  Who needs the approval of stupid people anyway?  But alas, stupid people would like it if they just weren’t so stupid all the time.  I mean if for only 2 seconds they’re stupidity would just cease to exist than “they” would see an amazing something…Or maybe I’m the stupid one for even thinking what I have to say or give is really worth anything.

I’ve been “working” on it for about 5 years.  The last time I touched the script was at the end of 2010 when I took a Screenwriting class at University of Toronto with Norman Snider (credits include Dead Ringers and Casino Jack).  It was a great class and I was actually making some headway but then the class ended and there went whatever discipline I had.  Before that class, I had decided that the story was in fact a musical and that I would spend time working on the music then the rest of the script would write itself.  I attended some meetings with this group called Smile but then I was totally freaked out by all the actually talented songwriters that I decided to forget the whole thing.  I even attended this Master Class in Songwriting with William Finn (credits include The 25th Aunnual Putnam County Spelling Bee) – who was like totally hard on me and me being the sensitive soul I am – I tried to forget all about the stupid little idea.  I had the idea when I attended Humber but the idea was just at it’s infancy.  So here’s the my next attempt.  I can’t say it’s my last attempt cause if this doesn’t get it done, I know I’ll simply try again.  I just sincerely hope this is the time I finish writing it and get to the part where I can produce it and have like an actual credit to my name.  As opposed to nothing but this useless blog.

What else is happening?  I sang yesterday in the choir.  Then, did some improv with the new group I’m in called Honeypot.  I have a singing lesson tomorrow and then I think 2 shows.  So at least I’m working on that performing muscle a bit.  I haven’t heard from that audition (not that I was expecting to) but the good news is I’m not really dwelling on the craziness that was the audition.  When/if people ask I stick to the positive and then try to stick to the facts that i doubt I’ll hear from them (other than that polite rejection email thing but that’s not really hearing from them).  Oh well on to the next thing.

About Alex Lean

I am just another dreamer trying to wake up
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