I worked out

This is news folks.  I exercised today.  Sticking with #6 on my new years resolution list.  “Work out….regularly”.  Now just cause I did this miraculous thing once doesn’t mean I’ve succeeded just yet.  I need to do this every week – 3 times (ideally) but once a week will suffice.  Joining a gym has been a subject of much debate.  Can I afford it?  Not really.  But can I really afford singing lessons either yet I still do it.  I went with my boyfriend the other day to his gym and pretty much panicked at the entire discussion of joining.  It’s so complicated and daunting.  There’s always these really expensive initiation fees.  I don’t get it – pay $200 up front so that I can pay $24/month.  I’m not really good at thinking in the long run.  All I can focus on is the part where I have to fork over $200 of my hard earned money.  I can’t do it.  So to the gym in parents condo I go.   Now I’ve said this many times before…that I don’t need a gym membership because I can always go there…but never have.  But this time it’ll be different.  I’ll make the time.  Who cares if it’s kind of out of the way, which has stopped me in the past.  Not this year.  It’s 2012.  The year of me.  Whether this year wants it or not.  I also signed up for this really expensive audition class.  Please oh please be worth it and turn me into the auditioning queen I’ve always wanted to be.

I went to choir and karaoke last night.  I can’t tell if I’m any good at harmony yet because I rely so much on the strong voices sitting next to me.  Of course they all have years of experience whereas I have a year and a bit.  I had to fight to get to choir practice though because someone wrote in my schedule that I was to work but nobody told me.  Now I’m sure it was just an error in communication but if were going to play the paranoia game I think someone needed that shift covered and just told the manager that I said I could do it without telling me.  If that is the truth of the matter then I need to have a talk with someone about this.  This is definitely not the year I’m going to be walked all over by anybody.  Been there, done that.  Moving on.  But hopefully I’m way wrong and it was simple mistake.

Karaoke was alright.  I sang ‘Everything is Everything’ by Lauryn Hill.  I really love that song and I don’t think my rapping skills are that bad.   However there is a new game at karaoke where they pick a word and you have to sing a song with the word in it.  This weeks word was ‘Dance’.  I thought about doing ‘I Wanna Be a A Dancin’ Man’ from fosse which I doubt was part of the collection.  The obvious choice would’ve been ‘Dancing Through Life’ from Wicked but after the beginning portion it gets all talky and I don’t really know that part that well.  Or I suppose ‘Just Dance’ from Lady Gaga.  Maybe next week I’ll play.

I was feeling a bit discouraged this morning about my current state of affairs.  A reoccurring theme in my life.  It’s scary because I can’t really see what my future has in store for me.  I don’t mean in a psychic way, I just mean if you went to school to be a teacher or a lawyer you can sort of guess the direction your life will go in.  My estimates are not very awe-inspiring.  The road ahead of me looks bleak and like more coffee serving for me.  More attempts at forging a life as a writer/actress/singer/comedian with little to no rewards.  Perhaps I’ll get married and have children but that future doesn’t seem as appealing without the career part.  There goes my independence.  That used to be the only thing I wanted to be financially independent, not needing anyone for money but since I’ve made the choices I’ve made because of that stupid thing called ‘following your heart’  I feel like I’m doomed to always need someone else to provide for me.  Sometimes I think about going back to school but for what?  I sometimes think I’d like be a drama professor but there’s so much school involved.  School is not the problem but money for school, not sure if I’m eligible for any…but then I’m not even sure if that’s what I want.  The other thought is to wipe the sleight clean and start over completely, become a psychiatrist or something.  Then, I think about my chinese horoscope reading and how the guy was like ‘I’m a money magnet’ and ‘I should start a business’.  Yeah that worked out so well before.  I suppose if by money magnet he meant surrounded by other people who have lots of money than I guess it’s fitting.  What should I do with my life?  I’m so confused.   Oh right #9 on my resolution list ‘believe that money comes easily and frequently’.  But money isn’t really what I’m after.  I’m after a purpose (that includes money).  I guess I’ll let you know if/when I find it.

About Alex Lean

I am just another dreamer trying to wake up
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