Tonight I have that audition for the Etobicoke musical theatre’s production of 42nd street.  It consists of a dance audition at 8:20pm and then my singing/acting audition at 9:13pm.  I’m the first one right after the dancing.  I have a whole day of work ahead of me and then must fight through traffic to get to where the auditions are taking place.  I hate being rushed.  I have been fighting with myself for the last 24 hours about how I should handle this latest audition.  Part of me is cowering and thinking why bother while the other part of me is trying really hard to think good, positive thoughts about myself and my chances.  I try to get myself to be like let’s use this opportunity to focus on practicing the songs and monologue…but that thought leaves  me with a bad taste in my mouth.  It feels better to think that I have just as much chance as anyone else.  But like an old friend once said to be ‘it’s just that I don’t want to get disappointed if I don’t get it.’  I don’t want to be disappointed, either.  Disappointment is the worst.  To be so filled with hope and then deflated like a balloon.  So what are my choices really?  To be miserable now because everybody knows that this is another failed attempt at being in a musical.  Or, try and nudge myself into ‘the vortex’ as some call that ‘happy, go lucky everything is wonderful’ feeling.  I’m not going to attract lateness because I am going to be on time.  I am not going to attract nervousness because I know what I’m doing.   I will get there in 20 to 30 minutes (says the google maps directions)…I doubt it factors in traffic.  There will be little to no traffic anywhere in my vicinity – running through my head or on the road.  The fact that I’m getting up and try yet again has got to count for something.  Right?

About Alex Lean

I am just another dreamer trying to wake up
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