I want to be in a musical. I want to at the very least have a solo in this musical and do whatever role I should win, well. I am struggling to make this dream a reality. My 2011 new years resolution this year was to be in a musical by the end of the year. It’s almost the new year and although I am closer than I’ve ever been before I am not there yet. I started this very blog. I’ve been written about my journey up until this point.
From January 2011 til now I’ve taken singing lessons once a week and have improved a lot. I’ve taken dance classes. Took an intense dance class in the summer which was really hard and I admittedly gave up. It was too advanced for me. I did join a different dance class that is more my level but because it’s in Thornhill I’m only able to go every other week. I have been on audition after audition and am improving…I even got a callback once but it’s still a-thing I’m overcoming. I recently joined a church choir to work on my ability to listen, harmonize better and hopefully learn to read music by osmosis. (This is kind of a different experience for me since I have never been to church before this in my life because I’m totally Jewish). I have also started going to Karaoke weekly.
I don’t necessarily want to be an actress/singer as a career (only because I still can’t believe in myself enough to allow it to manifest) but I feel like if I can do this, if I can be in a musical and overcome all my doubts and all the no’s and all the rejection, then I can do anything. The reason I haven’t achieved this dream yet is purely a confidence thing and has nothing to do with talent. I can sing the notes, deliver the lines and do the dance routines. I just get self-conscious and nervous which destroys everything. This is still a work in progress. But as the year comes closer to an end my inner critic is on overdrive because I have yet to accomplish what I set out to accomplish this year. She screams in my ear about the injustice of the world and about how dreams never do come true, especially when I was never one of the ones favored. And if it didn’t happen before, how could it possibly happen now. Because the past always repeats itself over and over again until I get the message. But what message is it exactly? Is the message that I’m not good enough and should hide in a cubicle and hold my breath until the relief of death? Or is the message that I am good enough I just need to learn the lesson. But this is the part I get confused, because all this contrast just reminds me of how worthless I have felt and feel and not at all that I am something special, worthy of joy or accomplishing any of my silly little dreams. So this is where I am at.
I am still listening to the devilish Darcy and am doing my best to ignore. I am working on my one woman show which I am really excited about. Which is always the case when it’s in its infancy stage. I really hope that I can keep the faith enough to get it up on stage. I believe, I believe…or at least I am trying to believe in me.
The emotion just overwhelms me when I think about the possibility that the dreams I’ve had all my life may never come true. The pain is so dire at times that I just