I don’t know

I had an idea for a song.  Firstly, the type of song it would be is a mixture between “Something’s Got a Hold On Me” by Etta James and Little Shop of Horrors -style of song.    The song would be the opening to the musical of me. It’ll highlight the painfully horrible conversation I am forced to have again and again with the people who say they love me and know me the best (but clearly they do not).

The conversation goes like this:  they ask: What do you want to do in life? And I respond with things like act, sing, write songs, plays, learn to paint, improvise…etc  But then they do this strange thing where they completely dismiss all the things I cherish the most by implying that they are simply hobbies, (because to them clearly I’m not one of the ones who’ll make a living from these things and so the things I love the most are worth nothing to them because of money).  So they ask again “But what else do you really want to do?”  As if I hadn’t answered the question.  As if I didn’t just say it clear as day.  As if I am not spelling it out for them in each and every journal/blog entry. It’s a very confusing dance of a conversation.  It’s so painful this exchange that I have trained myself to always respond with these 3 magical words: I don’t know.  I can’t know anything in their presence cause the things I know about myself are wrong – in their eyes.

The thing is I knew the answers from the moment I knew anything but since these very important aspects of me have been invisible to the naked eye, it’s been rather difficult to foster they’re development.  I have been working on myself and my talents ferociously for quite some time to reach the fruits of my passionate pursuits.  Deep down I know that I am talented and I know I will succeed.  I do know these things.  I know that one day all my days chipping away at the artist within will pay off.  I really do believe that one day I will receive payment for my talents but that’s not really that important to me.  But I just can’t know these things around certain people.  When I’m pretending I don’t know it can feel like I’m pretending I don’t have an arm while I am using it.  It’s odd.

My purpose in this life has been to seriously keep moving towards my passions and to never give up in-spite “they’re” constant refusal to acknowledge/accept the fullness of me.  The people in my life don’t seem to understand this aspect of me and therefore it feels like they don’t really know me or really, truly love me.  If the people in my life who say they love me really did they would be more encouraging.  They would accept the valuable parts of me that may never see monetary value as real parts of me and not dismiss them.  If they really loved me they would be reading this.  I generally hide these thoughts in the pages of my journals but why bother hiding when nobody paying attention anyway.  Since no one’s reading I might as well be more direct: my boyfriend and my family.  You guys suck. (Obviously in other ways you don’t totally suck but in this one area you have just been awful).  And the thing is the reason it’s taking me so long to get “somewhere” with my talents is because of my lack of confidence.  Could my lack of confidence be because of the years of being ignored and dismissed?   I just feel like one day when I die and you read the pages of my journals (if you even bother) you’ll find a lovely person you never really knew.  And then, you’ll go on with your lives as if I never even existed in the first place.  That’ll be the ultimate tragedy of my life – that all this struggle to be myself in all my glory will have been for nothing.  Cause sooner or later I won’t exist anymore. So none of this would matter.  Anyway wouldn’t that just be a great song?

About Alex Lean

I am just another dreamer trying to wake up
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