Pity Party

I’ve stopped day-dreaming, I’ve noticed.  I’ve replaced day dreams with television, movies, computer games and books about achieving goals (which I never actually achieve – I just talk about them and write about them incessantly).  Sure I do think about things I’d like to do but I don’t fantasize about them the way I used to.  I used to only live in a daydream.  If someone I knew passed me in the streets, I wouldn’t recognize them because I’d be off day-dreaming about something wonderful.  These someone’s would often get mad at me for ignoring them but I honestly didn’t see them.  The thing that often happens when you build a life for yourself in the clouds is that when reality comes rushing in, it can be utterly painful.  I felt like the “real” world had nothing to offer me and the only way to really be happy was to invent an entirely different place where someone like me could be happy.   I would say I truly joined reality after I completed all my formal education.  It was really difficult at first because my fantasy world was always so much more inviting.  A place where I was the star and everybody liked me and I was as perfect as perfect could ever be.  But then as time goes on, I met ‘real’ people who I felt actually saw me and appreciated me for me.  Which helped.  But now I find myself really missing my old ways.  I feel like going back to the comforts of my daydreams and never returning.

Pity party of one?  You’re table is waiting…

I’m still stuck in self-pity, doubt, insecurity that I just cannot get beyond.  Like, for example, why can I only write when nobody’s reading or sing well when no one can hear me?  What’s the point of having these ‘talents’ if they’re not seen or heard.  Even when I have the opportunities to be heard and seen I ruin them.  Why can’t I change faster?  Everything is so much easier when you’re daydreaming.  The talents I want – I have.  The confidence I lack, suddenly disappears and I can do anything and I do it easily.  Why is it such a struggle for me?  Why do I make things difficult?  I suppose if I could make a trade with some ungodly creature I would trade all my emotions so that I could be one of those people they describe in job descriptions ‘detail oriented, self starter headed, especially under pressure and tight deadlines’.  They’ll never higher a ‘highly sensitive, overly emotional pile of nerves’.  That’s never in the job description.  Ok time to dull the senses with a couple more hours of TV.

About Alex Lean

I am just another dreamer trying to wake up
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