A strange thing is happening with me lately. I keep talking about my musical dream/goal. I usually shy away from this topic or just don’t mention it because I am afraid of ruining it. I used to think that if I said my dreams out loud it would ruin them because then other people would ruin it with their judgments and comments. But not this week. I felt that I stood in my truth of wanting to be in a musical and told people about the work I’ve been putting into it. I talked about how I was taking the lessons all year round, the auditions I’d been on and would be going on. That quiver in my voice that seems to occur every time I talk about what I really want was still there from time to time but I was aware of it and tried not to apologize for that lack of confidence the way I normally would. I’m beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel for this dream. This thing really seems to be tangible.
In other news…
It was an interesting week for me personally. I was on the committee who helped put together the Toronto Improv Festival. (I should preface this story that other than this tiny personal moment the festival was spectacular and so much fun but this is my little truth blog so…) I realized some difficult things this week about myself. Here’s what happened: I didn’t perform in the festival because when submissions rolled around the I had just begun with a new team and the old team was just finishing. It didn’t bother me at the time. But then all of a sudden, there were these last minute shows and it seemed as if everyone who wasn’t performing in the festival before was now performing. I was not asked for this one show which stirred up a lot, well, pure raw rage. It totally sucked. I went crazy thinking: ‘woe is me’, ‘nobody likes me’, ‘everyone hates me’, ‘I’m the biggest loser in the whole wide world’, ‘I never get to do stuff’…etc. The diva deep down was outraged and, even though, I tried with all my might to keep her at bay, she would not let it go. She expressed my/her/our discontent fervidly. The answer was not what the diva wanted to hear. The last minute show was something where the performers get to pick who they want to play with and the truth is either no one thought of me (cause I tend to cower in a corner while watching others mingle and socialize) or nobody wanted to (which could be true, because I have been informed – on numerous occasions – that apparently I’m not very good at making stuff up). Anyway, the very next day I was asked to play but it was only after like a million* other people couldn’t do it. I didn’t do it – mainly cause I had a singing lesson to prepare for my Cabaret audition but the ‘diva’ reason was that I didn’t like that I was the last choice. So for this round of “let’s just see how many ways we can make alex feel untalented” I’m taking a lesson from the diva voice in my head. She has a point. She and I – do not want to be picked last! And my talents deserve more. That’s why I have been going on all these musical auditions. I do not want to be somewhere because 20 other people cancelled and couldn’t do it so, I guess, they’ll be settled for me. Eww. I am so much better than that. This is a big revelation for me because I usually saunter around carrying my low self-image of me around with me everywhere I go. I’d like to think it’s a newfound sense of confidence and respect for my talents. When I am cast in the musical that I am cast in – it’ll be because I am the best for the part and not because I was all they could get.
*actual number: 3 or 4