I’m auditioning for The Who’s Tommy Wednesday evening at 8pm.  That was the email I sent before asking for pity and a way out of auditioning.  No dice.  But the email was kind and sympathetic.  It read: “Don’t worry, just come in, be yourself, sing a little something and we’ll take it from there.”  So now that expectations are low, maybe it won’t be so bad.  Plus I only requested to be in the chorus.  Don’t they want under achievers like me to not want a starring role.  It would be so wonderful if I could be in the chorus because then I would’ve met my goal of being in a musical and by the time new years comes a long and I have to review my year I won’t feel as bad because I would’ve at least partially accomplished the goal I set oh so many months ago.  I’m having a deja vu moment here.  Did I write this exact sentence before?  Probably. I’m quite the broken record – I must apologize.  It must be my ego.

I’m learning lessons from Oprah and Eckart in that lifeclass. Just what the doctor ordered.  In answer to last night’s questions: How does your ego get in your way?  I feel like the question in my life should be: how doesn’t it get in my way?   The questions I would’ve loved to ask if I weren’t so afraid of it being answered in front of the whole wide world would be: how do you overcome or transcend ego in an audition situation?  I mean I want them to like me – of course I do because I want to get the part.  But then the wanting them to like me gets in the way of my actual (supposed) talent.  When singing it is better when you are open, vulnerable and connected but when auditioning I’m closed off, disconnected and feel exposed.  Is my inner critic my ego?  The part that chimes in when the audition has completed and all hope of getting a part is lost and it says “ha-ha I told you so!”.  Is that my ego?  But I thought ‘ego’ was supposed to make you feel like your “all that” – it’s confusing that now ego is all about making you feel not good enough.  I guess I should just be the awareness of these thoughts in order to surpass them.  Oh well that’s enough thinking for one morning.  Gotta an audition to prepare for: at least one song.  The ones I have more or less ready are ‘Always True to You’ and I guess ‘In My Own little corner’ or ‘on my own’.  I have been working on others they’re just not ready.  I feel like I’m never ready for these auditions – even if I go to singing lessons once a week.  Oh well might as well jump in with the sharks yet again…maybe this time I won’t be torn to shreds…because this time I warned them that I’m no good at auditioning so my expectations for myself can be lower than they normally would be.  Come on inner guidance system – show me the way to the chorus.

About Alex Lean

I am just another dreamer trying to wake up
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